It's the little moments I miss. The time spent on trains between sitting down and pulling out my latest book. The walks downtown spent looking around me instead of down at a screen. The small, pointless observations I make in my own head, for my own consumption, for my own edification that never go any further. It's the few chances I have during my day, few and far between, when I have the glorious opportunity to be bored and have to turn inward either to take a moment to breathe or to contemplate the minutae of the day. It is as if I have lost the time to actually process, to digest, to consider. Instead, my day is a series of endless bouncing - from screen to screen to screen. Home computer, phone, work computer, phone, husband's phone, TV, home computer. The cycle is endless and the pace is brutal.
I decided to take a FaceBreak yesterday, February 16th, when, after realizing that one of my co-workers had de-friended me, I found myself in an emotional tail spin. Well, that's not completely true. There are other things going on with me - a feeling of being lonely admist a constant stream of people. A feeling of not knowing how to make small talk any longer, not be a part of the group. A general sense of malaise and enuii at the constant, harping rhythm of my life without apparent meaning. However, this de-friendment was a catalyst that seemed to awaken me to these issues. You see, I have never, to my knowledge, been de-friended before. I assume that I am ignored by a healthy contingent of my friends as I probably status update too frequently and comment too freely. This person isn't someone I consider a close friend, but it is someone I respect and someone that I would hope would want to keep up with me in that tangential, facebooky kind of way.
So the de-friendment got me thinking about all the things above and Drew and I decided to change each other's passwords and take a FaceBreak. No set time limit - maybe 3 days, maybe 3 months, maybe forever. I just wanted that part of me back that, no matter how small, was being dedicated to my daily textual performances. I check FB dozens of times a day at work, on my phone, on Drew's phone, at home. And for what, so I can prove myself clever? So I can share with the world the funny thing Meyer said or did? So I can elicit an interesting comment thread?
And so, the question is, how did the first day go? Like trying to break any addiction, there were definite cravings. Even habitual behaviors. I unconsciously went to FB on my phone and my computer before realizing that I no longer had access. My brain, now so used to my taking every situation and immediately determining (i) if it is status worthy and (ii) if so, what is the most pithy way to say it, had a hard time bucking the trend. Especially when I went to the bank and the guy who holds the gigantic "Jesus Saves" poster came in, with sign, to make a very normal seeming deposit.
I hope that this journal can help me focus some of these energies and feelings. I do have things to say and while I don't doubt that they are rather banal I also feel compelled to put them "out there" in some way. Being 30 and having lived in a time without cell phones and the internet, I feel like this point in time might actually be a good opportunity to take stock of what technology has brought into our lives and what it is slowly pushing out as a result of its relentless and inevitable advance. A time capsule perhaps. Or maybe just more textual performance. Either way, day one is over. On to day two.
(image by Jeremy Geddes)